Before leaving for college, my entire family shared a couple of opinions on my transitioning away from home. In particular were their thoughts on my developing relationships with new roommates. “Bree is going to have the hardest time with her roommates” or “they are going to have the hardest time living with her” were central themes throughout the household. Those types of statements frustrated me. What gave them the idea that I was going to be so difficult to live with? Well, I knew exactly what gave them that idea...they had lived with me for years and thought it was difficult. I couldn’t say that they had no clue, because they did, but I didn’t want them to believe that forever. I knew it was time me to look deep into why they were saying that—and if true, time for some behavioral change on my part.
A little more about my past
I guess you could say I was kind of a brat. My father used to call me a “paingel”—mostly a pain but still his little angel. I grew up with four pestering brothers, three of which were older. I constantly got picked on and touched; I was their little toy they could just throw around. So of course I developed defensive and “bratty” habits. As the years passed, whenever they would try to tease me, I would fight back by crying or simply screaming for mom and dad. I wasn’t patient with them at all...and they all knew how to “get” to me.
Even though I knew these things about myself I still felt very hurt by their comments. Was I really that hard to live with? When it came time to head out for college I was ready to leave. 5 days after graduation I headed out on a new adventure at BYU Idaho. I left with goals in mind. I was not going to be the “Bree” that my family had known for so long. I needed to be different then they expected. I set out to prove my whole family wrong.
Moving on to college
I moved in and instantly connected with all the girls, but in the back of my mind I still felt as though this could be a terrible experience. My family had embedded in my mind that living with five other girls was going to be difficult for me. I had a few “run ins” with one of the girls the first two semesters. Mostly because I became the one to tell her how everyone else felt. That used to happen a lot, partly because I was used to a contentious environment—it was easy for me to confront people. All in all it wasn’t a horrible year. I made good friends, enjoyed college life, and I didn’t care if someone drank my milk!
I have now attended BYU Idaho for 3 years. I have had over 20 roommates and I keep in contact with most of them. I enjoyed living with them. I actually have had probably the least amount of problems due to the fact that I don’t let the little things ruin my life and my personal relationships. If for some reason my milk looks like someone else dipped into it I just let it go. If the kitchen is mess—I clean it. If a roommate just needs someone to talk to I listen. Am I always perfect that these things? Heck no, but I try. Sometimes I feel motivated because of my family’s opinion, while other times I fell naturally driven to be supportive, friendly, and helpful to my roommates.
What changed?
So what is it that changed? It was me—I made that change all on my own. Having been sick and tired of what my family thought about me, I set out to make a difference in my own life. Sometimes I feel like they don’t always show me that they have seen the change in me, but I know it hasn’t gone completely unnoticed. A times my family still likes to treat me like their “paingel,” but are proud of who I have become.
Why are we a certain way
What ultimately shapes who we are? Maybe it stems from what order we were born in, or how our parents raised us. A child raised in a home where they were given exactly what they wanted all the time would most likely be selfish and demanding. Whereas a child who had to work for the things they received would most likely be a hard worker and excel in many aspects of life. I believe very strongly that how you are raised can be apart of whom you become, but it doesn’t define you. You define you.
In the Redfern family there are things that most of us are similar in. For instance we are very comfortable talking about “taboo” subjects, for example sex. That is a topic brought up very regularly. That was a learned behavior from our parents. They feel it is the best way to keep us informed and moral, and it’s worked for the most part. Is it too much sometimes? Yes, and I have had to learn in social situations to tone down my opinion about the topic because it might offend others. It isn’t always an easy change, but it’s doable.
Another thing about our family is we are extremely loud. Growing up we were always trying to talk over each other. This got me in trouble countless times. Whenever me and my friends were talking in class I was the one who always got yelled at because they could hear me over everyone else. In movies, concerts, church, or even devotionals I either get glared at or shushed due to the fact that they can always hear me (or maybe because in those places you shouldn’t be talking at all).
Problems our country faces
If I let my loud voice or lack of etiquette shape who I wanted to become then I would never learn how to control my life. I don’t mind being known for my loud voice or for being comfortable talking positively about sex, but I have had to learn how to take it down a notch, and respect others that I could potentially make feel uncomfortable. I hate the statement “it is just who I am.” So many people use it as a cop-out—a way to place blame somewhere else for their faults.
This is a problem that our country continues to face. People born into poverty are unfortunately likely to live in poverty as adults. It is all they claim to know, and yet we live in a free society that allows them to change the course of their lives and become something much more then they were given. We live in a land of opportunity. Here in the United States of America anything is possible and yet people are continually blaming their lives on external forces or their upbringing.
I myself have fallen victim to this. It is easy to blame our family, friends, or our circumstances for what we are—and who we are becoming. We need to take personal responsibility. Accept the fact that we have faults, and as we recognize them, we can then begin to change. When you have lemons—make lemonade. Just because life has taken a difficult course and things seem to be falling apart, or you feel like it really is just too hard to change how you have been for 20 years—it is still possible.
A little more about my past
I guess you could say I was kind of a brat. My father used to call me a “paingel”—mostly a pain but still his little angel. I grew up with four pestering brothers, three of which were older. I constantly got picked on and touched; I was their little toy they could just throw around. So of course I developed defensive and “bratty” habits. As the years passed, whenever they would try to tease me, I would fight back by crying or simply screaming for mom and dad. I wasn’t patient with them at all...and they all knew how to “get” to me.
Even though I knew these things about myself I still felt very hurt by their comments. Was I really that hard to live with? When it came time to head out for college I was ready to leave. 5 days after graduation I headed out on a new adventure at BYU Idaho. I left with goals in mind. I was not going to be the “Bree” that my family had known for so long. I needed to be different then they expected. I set out to prove my whole family wrong.
Moving on to college
I moved in and instantly connected with all the girls, but in the back of my mind I still felt as though this could be a terrible experience. My family had embedded in my mind that living with five other girls was going to be difficult for me. I had a few “run ins” with one of the girls the first two semesters. Mostly because I became the one to tell her how everyone else felt. That used to happen a lot, partly because I was used to a contentious environment—it was easy for me to confront people. All in all it wasn’t a horrible year. I made good friends, enjoyed college life, and I didn’t care if someone drank my milk!
I have now attended BYU Idaho for 3 years. I have had over 20 roommates and I keep in contact with most of them. I enjoyed living with them. I actually have had probably the least amount of problems due to the fact that I don’t let the little things ruin my life and my personal relationships. If for some reason my milk looks like someone else dipped into it I just let it go. If the kitchen is mess—I clean it. If a roommate just needs someone to talk to I listen. Am I always perfect that these things? Heck no, but I try. Sometimes I feel motivated because of my family’s opinion, while other times I fell naturally driven to be supportive, friendly, and helpful to my roommates.
What changed?
So what is it that changed? It was me—I made that change all on my own. Having been sick and tired of what my family thought about me, I set out to make a difference in my own life. Sometimes I feel like they don’t always show me that they have seen the change in me, but I know it hasn’t gone completely unnoticed. A times my family still likes to treat me like their “paingel,” but are proud of who I have become.
Why are we a certain way
What ultimately shapes who we are? Maybe it stems from what order we were born in, or how our parents raised us. A child raised in a home where they were given exactly what they wanted all the time would most likely be selfish and demanding. Whereas a child who had to work for the things they received would most likely be a hard worker and excel in many aspects of life. I believe very strongly that how you are raised can be apart of whom you become, but it doesn’t define you. You define you.
In the Redfern family there are things that most of us are similar in. For instance we are very comfortable talking about “taboo” subjects, for example sex. That is a topic brought up very regularly. That was a learned behavior from our parents. They feel it is the best way to keep us informed and moral, and it’s worked for the most part. Is it too much sometimes? Yes, and I have had to learn in social situations to tone down my opinion about the topic because it might offend others. It isn’t always an easy change, but it’s doable.
Another thing about our family is we are extremely loud. Growing up we were always trying to talk over each other. This got me in trouble countless times. Whenever me and my friends were talking in class I was the one who always got yelled at because they could hear me over everyone else. In movies, concerts, church, or even devotionals I either get glared at or shushed due to the fact that they can always hear me (or maybe because in those places you shouldn’t be talking at all).
Problems our country faces
If I let my loud voice or lack of etiquette shape who I wanted to become then I would never learn how to control my life. I don’t mind being known for my loud voice or for being comfortable talking positively about sex, but I have had to learn how to take it down a notch, and respect others that I could potentially make feel uncomfortable. I hate the statement “it is just who I am.” So many people use it as a cop-out—a way to place blame somewhere else for their faults.
This is a problem that our country continues to face. People born into poverty are unfortunately likely to live in poverty as adults. It is all they claim to know, and yet we live in a free society that allows them to change the course of their lives and become something much more then they were given. We live in a land of opportunity. Here in the United States of America anything is possible and yet people are continually blaming their lives on external forces or their upbringing.
I myself have fallen victim to this. It is easy to blame our family, friends, or our circumstances for what we are—and who we are becoming. We need to take personal responsibility. Accept the fact that we have faults, and as we recognize them, we can then begin to change. When you have lemons—make lemonade. Just because life has taken a difficult course and things seem to be falling apart, or you feel like it really is just too hard to change how you have been for 20 years—it is still possible.
2 comments:
Our fondue night was all married couples so I figured you wouldn't want to go. We need to hang out before we move! When are you moving?
preach on, sister. you don't have to let life "happen" to you. you can make whatever you want of your life. i totally get the lemons and lemonade thingy more now than ever in dealing with being sterile.
i TOTALLY agree.
and your changes don't go unnoticed at the r house. we've seen great changes in you in the last year especially. and we love it. however, we would have loved you just the same even if you hadn't changed. we love bree--whatever version of bree is around. yes, even the paingel bree.
i know that you get frustrated at home when you feel that everyone is ganging up on you or treating you like the bree that they grew up with--no matter how hard you worked to evolve. i think that when we are at home with our siblings that it is easy to slip into our "old" roles. in my family, i'm the bossy one, md's the intellect, matt's the crazy one and james is the peacemaker. even though i have worked REALLY hard to not be as bossy in my normal life, it seems that these roles just come back when we are all together. it's just what we are comfortable with, i guess. and i let it happen. when it bugs me, i have to remember that even though we are all really close as siblings, we don't live together anymore. they don't see the daily changes that i am making. most of time i just focus on the concrete FACT that they love me ...mrs. r. whatever version of mrs. r is around at the time.
i don't think this is any different with your siblings. even though they tease you (just like they always have) they love you (just like they always have.)
i love you, breezy. whatever version of you you are today.
i think your oldest brother said it best when i asked him what color i should dye my hair. it's one of the sweetest things he has ever said to me in 11 years.
"I love you just the way you are or just the way you will change yourself to be."
Post a Comment